


Four Seasons

by pinkeuline



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: 2park, 2park is my fave lame ship, Fluff and Angst, M/M, You've been warned, i am kidding, i luv hurting, i'll try to put more fluff here, it is just angst, wrote this with the intention of dying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-30
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-01-19 03:40:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12402327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkeuline/pseuds/pinkeuline
Summary: "You're aware that they shouldn't know, we're together," Jihoon managed to utter with trembling lips. The younger just smirked and pulled him into a tight embrace instead.





	1. Summer

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have a specific plot in my head so let's just see what happens

**_"the hottest time of the year,_**

**_but I knew there'll be nothing warmer_ **

**_than your tight embrace_ **

**_as I succumb in my deep slumber"_ **

**SUMMER**

* * *

 

 

Summer is the best time to hang out with friends and enjoy the beach while tanning under the blazing sun. It's the most beautiful time of the year, at least for Jihoon. He may love the season of summer but it is the time when he would feel being so suffocated in his own home. He'll be locked up here for the whole two months, being forced to learn all the business terms that had been tattooed in his blood since the day he was created. His free time would be playing the piano that he had lost interest to. His only escape is locking up himself in his own room, pretending to read a whole book of purely business logic. In fact, he's drawing everything he had seen while passing the streets going to his father's office. He feels tight and that is because of the fact that he's literally held captive all this time.

 

Jihoon's mother will soon knock on his door, smiling widely at the brunette. She'll be asking me to dress up properly for a party, Jihoon predicted.

 

"Sweetie, we'll be attending a party in a while, dress nicely." After delivering her message, the older Park just closed the door. It's not like Jihoon expected his mother to ask how he did for the whole day. 

 

Jihoon decided to wear a normal black suit, matching it with a plain maroon tie. He's not allowed to dress like how he wants to, there's no point in trying.

Their butler then knocks on his door, informing him that his parents are already downstairs waiting for their precious son. Jihoon timidly answers with a simple yes and fixed his hair immediately. He can't take too much time or else his parents will be mad.

"You look stunning, son!" Jihoon's mother complimented him in which his father copied with a simple nod. The young Park just smiled shyly because his mother always does this all the time. Whether Jihoon is just wearing a plain school uniform or casual clothes. They say it's the perks people who grew up with no siblings get, where in fact it's totally a disadvantage. Because their attention will all be focused on you, and a single mistake can mess everything up.

 

Jihoon tries not comb his hair as he is feeling anxious with all the stares they are giving to him. The party actually has a red carpet and people are clearly astonished at the heir of Park's Oil Exchange company. He can hear inaudible murmurs about him, and he doesn't even know how he figured that those were supposed to be about him.

They sat on a round table which was reserved for two families. The table's too big for the three of them and the tag says "Park". He only knows one Park, other than their family, in this industry. That is the family of their rival, who works in the same business line with them. They're not completely rivals but his father had warned him to avoid anyone related to the said family.

The brunette is already studying their stock market so he knows that the other company had been stealing their supposed to be investors. Even though his father doesn't say it, he knows that they are a big threat to them.

As if on cue, like when you speak of the devil, the other Park Family came. Jihoon felt a slight goosebump as the tension rises. His gaze looks at the members of the family one by one and it stops on a raven-haired boy who stares at him with his piercing gaze. He knew the guy too well.

 

"Park Woojin," Jihoon mutter under his breath.

 

Out of courtesy and being professionals, their families exchange bows, and handshakes. It was civil, Jihoon guessed. He wanders his eyes avoiding to meet that one pair of dark orbs that had been staring at him for quite some time now. He is feeling uncomfortable and he wishes that he can vanish now.

The hall started playing slow music and it seems like everyone forced their children to dance in the middle. With that, Jihoon's mother taps his shoulder and points at the youngest daughter of the other Park family. Jihoon knows she doesn't want any of relation with them but she's being professional and he is the only way to show that. Jihoon just nods, ears reddening. He can feel how the guy, he doesn't want to have an eye contact with, follows every move he makes. It's annoying and distracting, and Jihoon hates it so much.

 

"May I have this dance?" Jihoon offered his hand to the young little girl whom he knew from all the stories he had heard. Park Yerim, the most precious daughter of the Park Family.

"Come on, sweetheart." the girl's mother encourages her and she finally gave in.

 

Yerim is 5 years younger than him which made Jihoon much taller than the girl. The situation is so awkward that Jihoon doesn't dare to look at the young lady in front of her. Instead, his eyes met with his again, he's dancing with a girl this time around. Jihoon knew who the girl is, it's Joo Rayeon, the infamous daughter of a telecommunication company owner. And Woojin's fling for this month.

Jihoon smirks and looked away at the sight of a laughing Rayeon, clinging her arms on Woojin's broad shoulders.

 

"Why did you ask me to dance with you?" Yerim suddenly asks him. Jihoon was flustered that the girl would actually talk. He was taken off guard.

"We're both obliged too," Jihoon laughs, uncertain with his response.

 

Jihoon looks at Yerim and the little girl is staring at him. It made him uncomfortable because they have the same stare, and he doesn't like it.

"Were you the guy on my brother's bed last time?" Yerim asked. It shocked Jihoon and he choked on his own spit. He didn't expect to actually hear it from his sister. So they were actually caught by someone during that time.

"I don't know your brother." Jihoon avoided the question, one wrong answer or he'll be caught. His secret that he remained hidden for years will be found out, and it's the last thing he wants to happen.

 

"Hmm, maybe you just look like him." Yerim just shrugged. Jihoon wants some fresh air, the hall is getting hot for him.

"Are you tired?" He asked the young girl, to make her as an excuse.

"Oh gosh, thankfully, you finally asked that question. I'm dying to sit down." Yerim mutters, a dialect from a familiar place showing through. The dialect he once loved to hear from the older Park. 

Jihoon leads Yerim to their table. There's no sign of his parents and also Yerim's so he excused himself. He needs to breathe in fresh air before he completely collapses of the heavy atmosphere inside. Out of all events, why does he need to meet him at a wrong place and at a really wrong time?

 

"Taking a break?" Jihoon slightly jumps, the moment he heard that familiar husky voice and thick Busan dialect. That voice, he particularly hates but gives chills to his spine whenever he hears it. The voice of the devil, named Park Woojin.

Jihoon didn't speak. He doesn't want to open his mouth and be completely vulnerable in front of him — again. The taller guy might know him too well and didn't speak after that. He just took a cigarette and lit it with his lighter, who knows how did he enter when the security is really tight. Woojin inhales the smoke deeply and it annoys Jihoon. So being the usual perfect Jihoon, he grabs Woojin's cigarette and threw it on the ground. Stepping on it while muttering incoherent curses.

Jihoon glared at Woojin, he was about to say something but quickly retreated back. It's not as if he cares anymore, and it's not like Woojin cares for him at all. They both agreed on being strangers after what happened, but why is he the only one getting affected by the other's presence? Oh, because in the first place, he was just the only one showing his real feelings.

 

"You didn't change at all, Jihoonie." Once those words escaped Woojin's mouth, the older's facade shattered into pieces. All this time, he still has an effect on him.

 

 

_It was the same season, summer_   _when Jihoon is still allowed to take football practices since his parents agreed to give his three whole years of high school without restrictions. It was indeed the best time of the year. Jihoon had created many friends whom he valued the most. He is the type who gets too attached and it made him prone to betrayals. If the future Jihoon can just turn back time, he wishes to erase this painful memory. The image of him being weak and in the end getting stabbed at the back._

_Jihoon has a reputation. Probably the image of the good guy, girls love how skilled he is and any guys would want to be in his pants. He is face, talents, and wits, he is everything you want a guy to be. And what takes an almost perfect man to be completely perfect? Of course, it's one complete partner. It's Park Woojin, the captain of their basketball team. Also, the President of their dance club and the person ranked next to Jihoon._

_"Jihoon-ah, Woojin's been waiting for you. It's too hot and he won't leave the field unless you come out and see him." A member of their soccer team explained the situation to Jihoon._

_He slams his locker and shook his head. He doesn't want to talk to the boy but the latter is reaching his limit. He just can't be in a relationship right now._

 

_As soon as he steps out on the field, loud screams welcomed him. And there, he saw Park Woojin, laying in the middle of the hot field, under the blazing sun. He runs quickly to the boy and urges him to stand up._

_"What in the actual hell are you doing, Park Woojin?!" Jihoon screamed that shocked Woojin for a second. No one had seen a mad Jihoon ever before._

_"I won't stand up unless you talk to me!" Being the stubborn Park Woojin, he steadily lay down on the hot ground, ignoring the heat from the summer season._

_"I am talking to you!" Jihoon is frustrated and he can't get any more foiled of a stubborn Woojin in front of him. He finally gave up and pulled Woojin on the ground._

_"Fine, we're talking!" Jihoon drags Woojin in the locker area. His teammates are mostly gone and few people are just staring at the both of them. It's not like, it's a rare sight to see these two together since Woojin follows Jihoon everywhere. But it's unusual for them to see Park Jihoon dragging Woojin._

 

_"I'm giving you 10 minutes, now---" and before Jihoon can finish his statement. The taller guy's lips crashed onto his. Both of their lips are chapped but Jihoon's felt so soft for Woojin._

 

_Jihoon can't move, he is shocked and caught off guard. He closed his eyes tightly, Jihoon doesn't know how to react in all honesty. Woojin brings his lips on Jihoon's ear and because Jihoon's frame is too small for Woojin, he can feel his body being squished by the younger's embrace._

_"Kiss back, please," Woojin begs, his voice is husky and tempting._

_Woojin went back to kissing Jihoon's lips, this time, much gentle. Jihoon finally caught up with the pace and started to respond. He doesn't know if it's sloppy, all he's aware of is that Woojin is stealing his first kiss. And he hates himself for letting the taller guy in doing it._

_After who knows how long, the two finally pulled apart. Jihoon's lips are swollen and his eyes are wet because of mixed emotions. He bit his lips, embarrassed at what they did in this locker room that stinks of men's sweat._

_"So I guess, I'll be seeing you tomorrow?" Woojin asked, scratching his nape and can't hide the smirk on his face._

_Jihoon doesn't know what got in his mind that time. He can't remember anything except the fact that their kiss was a trap. He just heard himself saying the words that led him intro pure misery and sorrow._

_"Sure, see you tomorrow Woojinie."_

 

 


	2. Autumn

**"It's not yet winter and so I'm not worried**

**as long as your smile makes me warm**

**I am good enough."**

**AUTUMN**

* * *

Orange leaves started falling from the tree beside Jihoon's room. His mother had once asked their gardener to cut it down but Jihoon protested since he enjoys painting how the leaves fall from the huge sourwood tree. It's a breathtaking sight and he's more than delighted that he can stroke his brush as shades of orange fill his empty canvas.

Jihoon hates the season of autumn the most _—_ though people call it the most pleasant time of the year. He hates every festival of the season because he knows that he won't be able to go.

Jihoon smiles as he fits himself in an oversized orange sweatshirt. He got it last night when he sneaked in the mall, pretending to buy a newly released book. The text on his clothes is powerful _—_ it says obey. Jihoon doesn't know why he got this but he particularly likes the color that suits a certain guy's tan skin the most. He flinches at the thought of him, he is the last person he wants to cross his mind right now. And Jihoon doesn't like how he visits his thoughts every now and then after the little conversation they had at the party. The dialogue they had, or at least a monologue for Woojin, was casual. It's a friendly conversation between two guys, one is scared and the other, unreadable.

The 20-year-old brunette quietly sketches under a big tree in their university grounds. He hates the confined walls of the library. He doesn't feel free there so he can always be found here, alone under the shade while sketching or reading. It's not like Jihoon doesn't have friends, oh, he doesn't really have any, just acquaintances. And he prefers to be alone instead of talking to someone.

A big commotion had taken Jihoon's attention; he can see the parking lot from where he is. Several students gather around the parking area, Jihoon squinted his eyes to see the flurry clearly. A lump in his throat built up once he finally saw who the guy is, getting off from a black sports car. The man has his shades put on but he knows who owns that well-toned body. Jihoon adjusted the hood of his sweatshirt and immediately fixed his things to get away from that place. They can meet and he doesn't want that to happen. Jihoon doesn't like the idea of him and Woojin, having an encounter again.

 

Unfortunately, having short limbs is such a hindrance. At this moment, no one's paying attention to the short boy wearing a bright orange sweatshirt that draws attention. But they are eyeing the guy who's following Jihoon, which the latter is unaware of. Park Woojin, as predicted, is wearing a striped polo that's tuck in his pants while the sleeves of it are rolled up to his elbows. It was such a nice once in a lifetime experience, staring at someone, as boyfriend as him.

Finally arriving in a more isolated corner of his university, Jihoon exhales. He is holding his chest while looking down not until he spotted a pair of shoes. He didn't dare to look up, because he knew the owner of the pair. Jihoon is afraid that once he looks up and stares into Woojin's eyes, he'll finally drown. The smaller guy doesn't like the image of him drowning in that piercing gaze, those dark orbs slowly drifting him to a pot of poison. Poison in the form of Woojin's touch and kisses.

"Park Jihoon." Woojin called, his voice is rather husky than deep. It sounds as if he's been holding something for quite some time.

A meek sound from a scared predator, but in this reality, they are both preys. And the attachment is the predator that will eat them alive, unknowing and unprepared.

Jihoon didn’t move, he remained his unstable posture while staring at the ground. Not to mention that he is still wearing his hood on and Woojin is calmly enjoying the view. The brunette looks adorable as Woojin towers over him; he wants to hug the older right there but he fights his urge.

Woojin sighs and brings his hands to Jihoon’s chin to make him look up, “I suggest that you stay still before I kiss you where people can see us” He paused and smirked, “clearly.”

Jihoon’s almond eyes found their way to Woojin’s piercing ones. He tried staring at him to check if those eyes were still the same from two years ago. But he can’t see anything at all, like he’s seeing different emotions he can’t accept. There’s no way the raven-haired guy is regretting all he had done to him.

“What in hell are you doing here?” But as he said those words, ropes in his stomach tightly squeezed his insides. This feels like before and Jihoon hates this sensation.

“Let us have coffee, no restrictions. I want to talk about what happened.” Jihoon caught a glimpse of his snaggletooth as Woojin bites his lips in nervousness. And this might have helped him in deciding, who knows.

 

Woojin’s car feels dark, with nothing inside; it reflects its owner. Jihoon is trying his best to calm himself. First of all, he skipped classes, not that his parents would know. But he only has three hours to talk about everything with Woojin. Both of them know that this will need more time but Jihoon’s driver will pick him up at exactly 6 o’clock in the evening.

The brunette eventually fell into a slumber and Woojin fought his urge to stop the car so he can stare at how beautiful Jihoon is. He notices the older’s brows furrowing once they reach a stoplight.

The car ride is silent since Woojin doesn’t like opening his radio. He almost stepped on the break as soon as he heard his name that came from Jihoon’s mouth. It feels warm, like the usual sensation the older gives him.

_“Woojin!” Jihoon yelled. This is practically their daily routine since the time they kissed in the locker room. But Jihoon doesn’t want to remember any scenario from that day lest his cheeks end up with a tinge of red hue._

_“What?” The other boy smirks and Jihoon wished he had shown his snaggletooth that he loves the most. But this is not the time to think about it._

_They are in the library and the stubborn Woojin is playing with his fingers. He doesn’t hate it, in fact he wishes this will continue. But exams is coming and he needs to study._

_As if it was magic, Woojin left his side and went to get a book. Jihoon sighs, thankful that he can breathe properly for a while. Woojin’s presence affects him so much and it makes it hard to function properly._

_However, the comfort will not remain forever, and here comes Woojin again. Walking like a Greek god carved from all the good things in the world. It’s not an overstatement, Woojin is that powerful._ _He is focusing_ _on_ _giving the raven-haired guy more good adjectives; his eyes didn’t fail to notice the huge ass encyclopedia that Woojin is holding like a weightless feather._

_“Didn’t know you_ _'re_ _interested in encyclopedias.” Jihoon teases Woojin but the latter smirks and put_ _s_ _the book in front of them._

_D_ _escrib_ _ing_ _the situation_ _simply: Woojin got the gigantic encyclopedia to cover them from the librarian. Why does he need it? Because according to Woojin, he’s a devil and he wants to prove it to the brunette. That he is indeed the devil Woojin._

_Jihoon finally understood the problem of his lesson when he suddenly felt a tingling sensation on his neck. And oh god, he is about to melt at that moment. Park fucking Woojin is blowing kisses on his neck, and Jihoon wanted to squeal. He’s weak and he wants to kill Woojin._

_“I-I suggest_ _you stop that.” He is stuttering. He wants to curse at Woojin for making him feel vulnerable but he will look completely defeated. And he doesn’t want that._

_Jihoon tightened his grip on the pen and inhaled deeply. Woojin took this chance to hold Jihoon’s chin and make him look at his eyes. But the older is trying his best to avoid those eyes or else, they will end up kissing _— in this quiet library.__

_“N-not here, please,” Woojin looks at him and then his devious snicker appeared again._

_“Alright, wait here and fix your things,” Woojin whispers to his ears and fixes his collar that got disheveled during the whole exchange._

_Jihoon fixed his things following Woojin’s orders, but he is shaking. Probably due to the different scenarios crossing his mind. Now he is regretting that he had asked Woojin to study with him. Because he didn’t make progress at all and he owes it to his mischievous boyfriend._

_Boyfriend, he smiles, the word makes his_ _heart beat_ _faster but in a really_ _pleasant_ _way. Despite breaking the rule of his parents to never enter a relationship, his desire is just to be happy. All Jihoon knows is that Woojin makes him happy and he is contented with it._

Finally, _Woojin came back and drag_ _ged_ _him out of the library. That moment was fast and Jihoon couldn’t keep up with everything. The next thing he knows is the two of them, kissing on the rooftop. The younger made sure that he locked the door and they’re alone, because he knows how reserved Jihoon is. He is actually thankful for that, because he can keep Jihoon to himself _— only for him.__

_Jihoon is drowning again in Woojin’s kisses. His mouth taste of berries, he suddenly remembers that Woojin was_ _having_ _gum earlier. While thinking about the gum’s exact flavor, Woojin bit his bottom lip and he almost gasped — as if he can, they’re kissing._

_“I think the fuck not, Park Woojin!”_

_Jihoon wants to scream but he can’t. It’s not like there’s a lifeguard who will save him from drowning in the middle of Woojin’s soft kisses. Moreover, he is enjoying this, and those who are being saved by lifeguards aren’t enjoying whatever is happening to them. He mentally curses himself to stop thinking about other things because Woojin is using_ _this opportunity to do weird stuff._

_Woojin’s tongue is now inside Jihoon’s mouth, exploring all of its crevices. Jihoon doesn’t know if this is considered as making out but he is loving it so he will just ignore whatever the right label is. As for the moment, he’ll enjoy these minutes with Woojin. Just the two of them — Woojin’s right hand on Jihoon’s small cheeks. It looks beautiful,_ _they look beautiful,_ _the two of them look perfect. And they wished it stayed like that forever._

 

"Jihoon, wake up sleepy head or I’ll kiss you.” Woojin warned the sleeping Jihoon and he immediately woke up. Their foreheads ended up bumping to each other. It’s Woojin’s fault for being too close.

Jihoon looks outside, they’re in an isolated park. He can see the leaves on the ground, perhaps due to the nearing season of winter. He glared at Woojin, where in the hell is the coffee that he talked about.

“What are we doing here?” Jihoon managed to ask calmly but the younger knows that he’s mad. He can’t blame Jihoon anyway, it’s his plan to bring him her e in the first place.

“I want to talk to you about everything. The past, how big of a jerk I was and how much I miss you since the day you left my side,” Woojin’s voice is soft, much softer than the touch he’s giving Jihoon by the cheeks.

He moved his head to avoid Woojin and made a distance to be cautious. Woojin is the danger himself, and he was taught to keep away from danger since what's dangerous will harm him. He knows that once he returns Woojin’s touch, all hell will break loose. He will not just disappoint his parents but also his principles. Jihoon pledged to never let himself enter a situation where he’ll be fooled again but look at him now, weak and helpless.

“So you really have the guts to approach me first,” Jihoon inhales deeply while holding his stomach that aches whenever he’s feeling emotionally stressed. He has hyperacidity and Woojin is triggering it.

“You were the one who ruined us, Woojin, and I just chose to leave because I need to save myself.” Tears started falling from Jihoon’s almond eyes and hell, Woojin wants to wipe those.

Jihoon doesn’t know where this audacity came from. He is not the type who says what’s in his mind, so Woojin does bring an extraordinary effect on him.

 

What Woojin did shocked Jihoon. He started kneeling on the ground and walked by his knees while uttering his regrets that Jihoon wished he didn’t listen to.

 

“I know I was at fault. I am afraid of everything, I was a coward,” every step he makes and every word he mumbles is like a thorn that pricks Jihoon’s heart.

He can feel the sincerity and guilt in them but he wants to cover his ears. He doesn’t like the fire in his heart that’s slowly melting the ice he had around it. He worked hard to forget and it’s unfair because Woojin is ruining this effort with his hopeless state. It took him several painful months to be a complete robot with no emotions, literally being controlled by his parents. He tried many things to forget and he doesn’t want it to be buried in vain just because Woojin had said that he regrets everything.

“I pushed you away, ignored all your efforts. I took you for granted just because I knew you were in love with me.” Woojin finally reached Jihoon and he looks up to him.

Water, there’s water falling from Woojin’s eyes. Jihoon suddenly forgot the term because he does not want to admit it to himself that Woojin is crying while kneeling in front of him. One last move from Woojin and Jihoon will completely lose himself. He wants to run away but he does not actually know what’s pushing him to stay. Jihoon did not know, that at that moment, it was time.

 

Time wants him to relish the seconds he’s with Woojin.

 

And this is what Jihoon is afraid of, Woojin hugged him while kneeling still. The younger’s shoulders are shaking and he can clearly hear Woojin’s light sobs. He looks up at the night sky and slowly closes his eyes, his mind debating like judges in a court. It’s chaotic and his thoughts are seriously fucked up.

“Please, Park Jihoon. Let me enter your life again. I will prove that I was wrong and you were worthy all along,” Woojin softly whispers and he doesn’t even know how he heard those words.

Jihoon opened his eyes and looked at the stars. He sighs, inhaling deeply and exhaling exasperatedly. He wants to punch himself for what will escape his mouth but he has a feeling that this is the right thing to do. Again, there’s something telling him to pull Woojin up and tell him that he still fucking loves him through these years. So he did.

Jihoon pulled Woojin and he stares at the younger’s sharp eyes before kissing him. The latter didn’t respond at first but eventually did. It was emotional, the kiss full of different things. Their emotions, their longing and heck even their urge that they’ve been keeping for two years.

Two years of hell, and this is now their safe haven _—_ _in each other’s arms._

The two finally pulled apart with their foreheads still stuck on each other. Jihoon’s eyes are on Woojin’s lips while the latter just wants to stare at his world. His world is too endearing, it’s ethereal and Woojin wouldn’t mind if his life will just revolve around it.

 

“I want to kiss you again,” Woojin chuckles that made Jihoon blush.

 

Seeing Jihoon’s reddening state, Woojin lost himself again and pulled Jihoon into another kiss. It’s rather rough in a soft way, if that makes sense but they didn’t care. Woojin tasted a bit of blood from Jihoon’s lips, he almost stopped but Jihoon put his arms on Woojin’s nape and deepened the kiss even more.

No one’s ready to pull away and thank God, thank Buddha, the park is far from crowded. There are no people who’ll see two university students almost making out in a public place. Woojin spanked Jihoon’s butt for no reason at all and they both smiled between the kiss.

If not because of Woojin’s ringtone, they would have not got off each other’s lips. Woojin answers the phone while staring intently at Jihoon who’s staring back at him. The brunette’s lips are pink and swollen but his eyes are glistening like the stars above them. His world is indeed enticing and he can stare at it for the rest of his life — he wishes to.

 

Woojin frowned at the caller and ended the call immediately. Jihoon notices it and raises his brow, a sign to know who called.

“It’s your driver, I need to drop you at the convenience store near your village. He is waiting there.”

Jihoon’s jaw dropped, so Woojin did plan this everything alone. “How did you ask him?”

“Money can do everything, honey,” Woojin winks and ushers Jihoon to put his hands on his own.

“And your parents are out of the country. Why not put your money to good use?” Jihoon shakes his head while giggling, and even this action is too cute for Woojin so he ended up kissing the older’s forehead.

“What’s that?” Jihoon was caught off guard.

“Your punishment for being my adorable boyfriend.” And he winked again, Jihoon wishes to shut his eyes so he can stop winking.

 

Boyfriend, it makes him feel at ease that Woojin called him this. It’s too sudden but he just wants to treasure every second with his lover. Because there’s this one spot in his mind that tells him to be grateful for his existence.

 

 


	3. Winter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do not kill me please, tried not to but yeah I really did it

**"I wished to be in your last embrace**

**because sadly, time doesn't let us**

**to be together and I will no longer**

**feel your warmth anymore."**

**WINTER**

* * *

 

 

It’s been a month since Jihoon and Woojin started going out together. And Jihoon is relieved that he cannot hear any more rumors about his partner hanging out with different girls every week. Of course he will stop already, he has Jihoon by his side. And heck, as if he will let Woojin hurt him again. But he will not deny the fact that it was his habit for the past years. Listening to news about his ex is something he was used to.

 

It is finally winter and if Jihoon hated autumn, then he loathes this season. His skin is sensitive to cold weather so it will usually get red or have rashes. But despite this, he likes how Woojin will always cling to him for warmth.

Jihoon is pleased with the fact that Woojin is making an effort to see him every single day. As usual, he cannot just leave their house without passing his parents’ intense interrogation. He basically needs to answer all the 'wh-' questions to be able to earn an hour of being free. He hates himself for not speaking up against his rights but he thinks that it is also the right thing to do. Or else his parents will completely lock him up in his room and he will end up homeschooling.

 

Right now they are in Woojin’s unit, he is living separately from his parents. He envies Woojin since his parents can never give him the freedom that he wanted. Jihoon doesn’t know how they ended up here, all he can remember is the image of himself nodding like a child when Woojin told him that he’ll make their lunch. Woojin smiled at him widely, showing his snaggletooth, and Jihoon remembered how great of a cook Woojin is.

 

“Do you want fried rice?” Woojin asks the brunette who’s been looking at him the whole time.

Jihoon is enjoying his view lavishly, it’s a rare sight to see Park Woojin in a pastel blue apron. He can pay millions of dollars so that this image can be tattooed on everyone’s forehead. He didn’t actually notice how Woojin walks up to him to steal a peck on his cheek.

“What the---?!” Jihoon jumps out of his seat in complete shock and hot cheeks.

“It was your fault for daydreaming about me,” Woojin chuckles and Jihoon almost choked when he saw the guy’s snaggletooth. “I said, if you would like to have fried rice?” Woojin asked again in which Jihoon just returned with a timid nod.

He finally learned to avoid the kitchen so he can stop fantasizing over Woojin. He has plenty of free time since his two professors had announced that they will not have any classes. Hence, he’ll be free for three freaking hours. The only thing he is thankful of is the unbelievable fact that his parents didn’t ask for his schedule. He really thought they’ll go all the way to the point of monitoring the start and end of his classes but Jihoon guessed that the two of them must be really busy with work.

 

Jihoon flops himself on Woojin’s leather couch, oh, he hasn’t described the interior of Woojin’s unit yet. First of all, it is manly like its owner, just from the treadmill and dumbbells that will welcome you once you enter the room. Basic colors fill the room and when you say basic, it’s literally just black and white. Woojin is that one boring person you know. Jihoon loves colorful things, yet he is still enjoying the things he is seeing inside Woojin’s home.

“Hey, Park, can I enter your room?” Jihoon asks Woojin’s permission because he is not that thick to disrespectfully invade someone’s privacy. The other Park just nods his head because he is busy washing the vegetables that Jihoon had requested.

If Woojin’s living room is already dark then imagine what his room would look like and it is exactly what Jihoon is seeing right now. Black painted walls, black beddings, black lamp and black frames — the only thing that made the room bright is the white ceiling and white closet.

Jihoon wanders around the small yet spacious room and spotted a painting where a baby sparrow is trying its best to go back to its nest. He giggles as he imagines Woojin’s face on the head of the sparrow, it’s adorable.

Then he went to sit on Woojin’s bed and his cheeks didn’t miss the chance to burn. This is where Woojin and him were caught kissing, by no other than Park Yerim. They look like they are making out but seriously, they are just kissing. And it’s a sign of affection.

A smile slowly creeps on Jihoon’s lips when he spotted the only single picture frame on Woojin’s bedside desk. The photo was taken two years ago during summer, when Woojin suddenly dragged Jihoon in the middle of their practice game. He remembers how the high schooler Jihoon was so afraid to ride Woojin’s first car since he didn't have a driver’s license back then.

They ended up hitting the mall and when Woojin spotted a photo booth, they decided to try it. Unexpectedly, both of them enjoyed the booth. It made him satisfied that Woojin has a memory of their relationship two years ago because he had already thrown away all of it — more like burnt, out of rage.

 

“That’s enough already,” Jihoon didn’t realize that Woojin had already entered the room until he whispered in his ear. He shudders when he felt the warmth of Woojin’s breath.

Woojin stands up and offered his hand to Jihoon, as if the latter can’t stand on his own. He was supposed to ignore the offer but Woojin is already ahead of him as he took Jihoon’s hand immediately and pulled him in a hug.

“What’s with you?” Jihoon titters at his clingy lover but he will not deny the fact that this pleasant feeling is melting him.

“Nothing, I just want to say that your hugs warm me up, so do not ever leave my side, alright?” Woojin pulled out and stares right into Jihoon’s wondering eyes.

Jihoon laughs and scratches his nape. “You say that to yourself. Do not leave, alright?”

It was supposed to be a joke and Jihoon thinks Woojin is not offended at all. But he didn’t notice the slight change of his partner’s expression and how he covered it with a toothy grin. There comes this feeling again, and this time it’s different. Jihoon didn’t know that it was serendipity.

 

Serendipity wanted him to notice Woojin’s façade so he’ll be able to know what’s in his mind.

 

"You're aware that they shouldn't know, we're together," Jihoon managed to utter with trembling lips. The younger just smirked and pulled him into a tight embrace instead.

 

 

Sketching had always been Jihoon’s escape from reality but this time his pencil just opted to draw someone. The person whom he wants to spend his time with. Jihoon is smiling as constant strokes fill his sketchpad, he is trying to perfect Woojin’s smile. He wouldn’t miss the snaggletooth and the piercing dangling on his left ear, of course.

With shaking hands and a fast heartbeat, Jihoon reaches for the glass of water beside him. It just hit him out of nowhere, anxiety is creeping in for no reason. As if on cue, his ringtone boomed in the four corners of his room and it just made him more nervous.

“Hello?” Jihoon said while clutching his chest to calm himself.

“Is this Park Jihoon?” An unfamiliar voice asked him from the other line.

“Yes,” Jihoon inhales deeply, “what do you need?”

“T-this is Lee Daehwi, W-woojin’s friend,” the guy from the other line is stuttering when he mentioned Woojin’s name. Jihoon gripped on his phone tightly, afraid of what will come next.

“We’re outside your house. Can we have a little bit of your time?”

“For what?” He is trying to make sure that he’s not being played. Because this feels like a déjà vu and he knows that through this conversation, something big will happen.

“Just please, meet us outside. He needs you.” He was about to ask more but the caller ended the call. All kinds of emotions are creating a riot in Jihoon’s mind.

He is confused and afraid that once he steps out of their house, his world will crumble into pieces. Not including the fact that he needs to sneak out with his parents in their respective offices. He immediately changed into warmer clothes and quietly exited his bedroom.

 

Jihoon almost missed a step when he spotted his mom who was supposed to go back in her office. His heart skipped a beat when the older Park raised a brow at him.

“Where are you going, Park Jihoon?” Her voice was calm but he can sense the disappointment in his mother’s words.

“Are you trying to sneak out?” The old lady adjusted her position and the sound of her accessories rang all over the quiet house, making Jihoon even more nervous.

“M-mom,” Jihoon mutters meekly. He’s like a puppy being scolded by its owner. And yes, he is indeed like a pet, and his parents own all of his being.

“Stand up properly and look me in the eyes!” She yelled and her voice echoed in the whole mansion, “Where are you going?”

His mother’s words are like arrows shooting him even though no painful remarks are being thrown. It must be the look in her eyes that makes Jihoon look completely helpless. Dismay and anger are the things he pledged to never see in his parents’ eyes.

“I need to meet a friend.” Jihoon finally had gathered his courage to tell a lie.

“Friend? Do you mean that Park Woojin?” Her red lips form into a smirk.

Jihoon’s eyes widen at the mention of his lover’s name. Instead of feeling afraid, rage took over his heart. He knew that there’s a reason why they’re not tight in knowing his schedule. And this is it, because they are spying on him.

“So you knew?” He cannot hide the anger towards his mother. Jihoon respects her but she isn’t technically respecting Jihoon as a human.

“Oh yes, I know! I know how you two sneak out, hang out together, and I know you’re dating that bastard!”

Jihoon curved his fist into a ball and fights the urge to talk back. But his mother is giving him reasons to be a rebellious son. He endured the fact that throughout his existence, they never asked how he’s doing or if he had been sick. He grew up as a weak kid and they will just get worried if they need something from Jihoon. That’s obviously asking him to befriend their clients’ daughters.

“You know now that your son is gay. Then what? You’ll lock me up in this shitty mansion where no one even cares about me?!” and he blew up. The resentment that he had been keeping for the past years is finally coming out.

Shock clouded his mother’s face but he is far from feeling guilty over it. This is not the time to let his good side take over him. Woojin needs him. He doesn’t care what will happen once he goes out of the door but he is sure that if he lets his parents control him again, then it will be the end.

“I’m sorry, mom, but I am going.” His mom was about to grab his arms but the head of the Park suddenly spoke up. And his orders are the real rules of this house.

 

“Let him be.” Jihoon looked up at his father who is just standing at the top of their staircase. He guessed that he’s been there for quite some time, just listening to their conversation.

 

But he regrets that he looked at his father, because he can see the softness in those eyes. His knees are feeling weak, he never saw those kinds of emotion in him. Jihoon sees his father as a strict and reserved guy who doesn’t care about anything unless it’s connected to his business. He thought that he doesn’t care about him at all, so it feels warm. His father cares for him, all this time.

“Go, Jihoonie. Your friend needs you.” And for the first time, he smiled at Jihoon, the look on his face seems like he’s telling Jihoon to be prepared for what will happen, Jihoon ignored it and made a 90-degree bow instead.

 

Jihoon ran off to their door while his mother shouted his name. He immediately looked for the car and saw a purple-haired guy, fidgeting while looking back and forth between their house and his phone.

“A-are you Lee Daehwi?!” Jihoon asks while adjusting his breath and damn it, his heart is beating fast. He can feel it jumping out of his chest.

Daehwi stares at him and out of nowhere, tears started falling from his eyes and he immediately hugged Jihoon. The latter slowly caresses Daehwi’s back while his own tears are on the verge of falling. He doesn’t have a good feeling about this and he is scared that if Daehwi opened his mouth, he’ll break down right there.

“Woojinie hyung,” Daehwi sobs and tries his best to construct the right sentence to put everything out. The younger is also aware how Jihoon is shaking in his embrace, and he doesn’t want to hurt Jihoon but he needs to.

“Woojinie hyung is in the hospital.” Daehwi removed himself from the hug and stares at Jihoon who’s looking at him with his misty eyes.

“Bring me to him, please. Where is he? He needs me!” Jihoon started begging Daehwi while holding the younger’s hands.

 

Jihoon is staring blankly outside the car window of a foreign guy that went with Daehwi. He is a complete wreck so he missed the chance when the guy introduced himself.

The poor brunette weeps quietly while his hands are clasped together tightly. Fright? Yes, it must be, he's afraid to see Woojin on a hospital bed.

“Woojinie hyung wanted to tell you this but the circumstances probably disagreed,” Daehwi sighs and notices the impassive state of his friend’s lover. But he continues anyway, he knows that Jihoon is listening to him.

“It’s been two years already. Doctors said it’s leukemia, AML to be specific, Acute myelogenous leukemia.” Daehwi sighs and debates with himself whether to continue or not because he can clearly hear the sobs of Jihoon.

The foreign guy in the driver’s seat didn’t look at Jihoon but continued what Daehwi needed to say. He just can’t take how his friend makes this longer when he can just say it right away. They’re just making it harder for themselves.

“He rejected all treatments except medicines. Woojinie hyung said that he can’t face you if he would go bald after chemotherapy.”

And that’s it, Jihoon bawls loudly so Daehwi glared at his friend while he is trying his best not to cry. It seemed so easy for him but they don’t know that the guy is also hurting, seeing his friend suffering from a sickness he doesn’t deserve. But he hates how pathetic Woojin is for prioritizing his lover over his own health.

“Guanlin, can’t you grasp the situation?!” Daehwi asks him quietly in English, a thing his friend does when he’s angry. Guanlin just shrugged and focused on his driving.

Jihoon reaches for his phone and stares at his lockscreen despite the blurry eyes he has from too much tears. It’s the picture of him and Woojin under his favorite tree, Woojin likes to sneak in their university so he can have a lunch with Jihoon.

His fingers found its way to his contacts. He doesn’t know why but he immediately clicked Woojin’s name and texted him casually.

 

> Hey Woojin, hang in there, alright? 
> 
>  

Jihoon was shocked when he instantly received a reply from Woojin. He covered his mouth and closed his eyes tightly, he doesn’t want to accept Woojin’s reply to him. He doesn’t want to face Woojin in this completely weak state, because he needs to be strong for him.

 

> I’ll wait for you, you’re my pillar, right? 
> 
>  

Pillar. But he is far from that, he can’t be Woojin’s pillar if he’s this inadequate. It’s a shame that his lover is trying his best to fight the cancer but he’s here, just weeping loudly and not doing anything at all.

He suddenly remembered what happened two years ago. Woojin had been keeping it all to himself and he wasn’t there because he chose to leave. Just because he was hurt and he didn’t know Woojin was hurting, too.

 

_“Where will we meet?” Jihoon asks Woojin from the other line._

_“I can’t, I’m busy. And please stop calling me, I still need to attend our dance practice later.” He was about to say something but Woojin had already ended the call._

_Jihoon sighs and continues_ walking to his classroom. Their routine has been like this for the past weeks. He calls Woojin to meet up and the latter always rejects _him because he is ‘busy’. He had been hearing several rumors about his boyfriend but he tries to ignore it as much as possible._

_“Woojin was with Haerin earlier, I guess he grew tired of Jihoon.”_

_Jihoon ignored the juniors gossiping along the hallway as if they’re trying to let Jihoon know what’s happening. He_ _grips on his books and just smiled at them like he didn’t hear anything. Well, he’s just really like that, always considerate and understanding._

 

_“Hey Jihoon!” Kim Donghan, a friend from his class, called him once he entered the classroom. Of course, Jihoon returned it with a genuine smile._

_Donghan is not like the other guys, he sincerely befriended Jihoon because he finds him interesting. He is also one of the most popular flirt in the whole high school but Jihoon doesn’t mind since the older is really different from what people see. Donghan is definitely quirky but he is very protective and serious if he needs to._

_The older pulled Jihoon’s sweater so he will look up at him. Jihoon did so and was welcomed by a worried look from Donghan. It feels warm, knowing that someone cares for him._

_“Did he answer your calls already?” Donghan worriedly asked in which Jihoon returned with a small smile._

_“Yup, and he said to stop calling him.” Jihoon pursed his lips together and proceeded to get his book for their class._

_“Is he an asshole?” Donghan shouted and got some of their classmates’ attention. Jihoon glared at him and pulled him down to flick his forehead._

_“Language, Donghan hyung.”_

_“But your fucking boyfriend is being a jerk! Jihoon are you nuts?” He exploded like a volcano who had been keeping it in for a thousand years._

_He wants to laugh at Donghan but that would hurt the older’s pride so he just bit his lip to hide it. The younger pointed the chair beside him so Donghan was obliged to sit next to him without knowing the reason. He wants to know the story about his friend’s asshole boyfriend anyway._

“Can I ask you a favor?” _Jihoon pleads using his adorable puppy eyes and Donghan squealed like a mad fangirl who had seen the love of her life_. _He hasn't mentioned yet how completely whipped Donghan is for him._

_“Sure, what is it my Jihoonie?” His eyes are twinkling and let’s not mention how Jihoon got some goosebumps when Donghan called him that weird endearment._

_“You know Lee Haerin, right? Can you ask her for a simple talk, especially about Woojin?” It’s now time for Donghan to flick the younger’s forehead and Jihoon whined like a child._

_“You really know that I can’t say no to you, huh?!” Donghan scolded Jihoon but he was smiling and shaking his head. The brunette smiled sweetly, he won again._

_“You love me too much, hyung.”_

_“It seems like Donghan and you are getting along really well. Enjoying his company?” Woojin chewed on his gum and smirked at Jihoon who’s quietly eating his lunch._

_They’re at the rooftop right now and finally, he was able to have some of Woojin’s precious time. Weeks had passed and this is their first time having lunch together after days and days of unanswered calls._

_The brunette rolled his eyes at his immature boyfriend. Seriously, their relationship was like on a hiatus and now Woojin came up to him just to mention his friend. They’re not doing anything, in fact, Jihoon is the one who should be mad here. The rumors aren’t about him and Donghan, it’s all concerning his several flings through the past weeks. And he didn’t hear anything coming from Jihoon._

_“We are friends, I don’t need to explain myself on this,” Jihoon calmly retorted and continued on eating quietly. Then he spots another smirk from Woojin’s lips and after that he got a cigarette to smoke._

_“Park Woojin! What are you doing?” Jihoon’s eyes widen at the sight of his lover, inhaling a stick of cigarette that he didn’t expect Woojin would do._

_“I thought you’re smart, I’m smoking.” Woojin’s eyes are dead while blowing the smoke right in front of an eating Jihoon._

_Jihoon coughs since he really hates smoke and is sensitive over this. He quickly fixed his things and stood up, he throws glares_ _at Woojin but the latter isn’t paying attention. Woojin is acting very strange and he wants to punch him right now so he better leave and calm himself first. He might do something that he’ll regret later and Jihoon is just not the type to let his emotions have control over him._

_“I think you need to have some of your alone time. Enjoy smoking,” Jihoon was about to close the door of the rooftop when he decided to throw Woojin a warning and_ _let his emotions get through. He is really annoyed right now obviously, “I hope you won’t get caught.”_

_Woojin waved but didn’t look back and also missed the soft ‘bastard’ coming from his lover’s holy mouth._

 

_Jihoon stomps his way on their room when Donghan spotted him and pulled the poor boy in the corner of the hallway. It had been three days since he asked the older to flirt with Haerin and he must have the information now. This is the reason why he loves his hyung so much, he is too reliable._

_“Before I say this, I hope you won’t let your emotion distract you. Keep yourself calm, Jihoonie.” Donghan holds his cheeks with both of his big hands. They probably look like they’re kissing from this angle, what a sneaky flirt._

_“Spill the beans, hyung.” With a muffled voice, Jihoon replied to his hyung hoping that the older will understand it. Donghan’s hands are too big for his small face, forgive him._

_“I don’t want to disrespect your fucking boyfriend but he is just really a fucking bastard and I really want to kill him. Ugh that freaking jerk.” If they took a shot challenge for every curse Donghan had made then Jihoon is probably tipsy right now._

_“Can you fix your language and just go straight to the point?” The brunette rolled his eyes and Donghan sighed while he bit on his fingernails._

_“Come on hyung!”_

_“Woojin and Haerin are dating for the past weeks. That’s why he isn’t answering your calls and always busy. Jihoon, he is cheating on you.” Jihoon doesn’t know how he was able to understand Donghan’s words. He talked fast but Jihoon was able to digest every word in his sentence and heck all of it are like rocks being thrown at his heart._

_“You are kidding me,” Jihoon laughs and stared blankly somewhere. No, of course he won’t accept this. There’s no way Woojin’s cheating on him when he was the one who initiated this relationship._

_Donghan noticed a group of girls going opposite from their location but he called them anyway. And of course, like wriggling worms the girls, who are their juniors, smiled widely at the two handsome guys in front of them. This chance is like spotting a diamond in a garbage bag._

_“Do you know where to find Lee Haerin?”_

_Jihoon looks up_ _at the girls with a cold expression and they all look scared at Jihoon. The one in the middle finally spoke after some minutes._

_“S-she usually h-hang out i-in the rooftop t-these past few days.” If knees can just melt by Jihoon’s stares then the girl would probably collapse right there._

_Jihoon smirks and runs immediately to go back to the rooftop. Someone needs to taste what an angry Jihoon would do._

_It must be_ _all talk because once he reached the rooftop and opened the door, his hands_ _are shaking. Something pushed him to stop being brave but he ignored it and now he is staring at his boyfriend and a girl, the same age as them, kissing passionately as the cold breeze of winter season blows. Oh fuck, he wishes that they’ll be blown away by that wind._

_“Aren’t you finished yet?!” Jihoon asked them before they even make out, he’s not ready to watch a live matured content consisting of his boyfriend._

_“Jihoon,” Woojin softly uttered, his eyes are trying to avoid Jihoon’s._

_The girl combed her hair and stares at Jihoon while smiling like an angel who fell down from heaven. And heck, Jihoon is feeling insecure. Woojin never particularly mentioned his sexuality but he knows that he still looks out for girls. And Jihoon can never give him what a girl can._

_“Park Jihoon!” Donghan called out, breathe ragged._

_But he’s too late. Jihoon’s tears won’t stop falling and he is not even aware of it. Woojin slowly approaches Jihoon and Donghan just glared at him. After all, he can’t do anything but to stare at them. He is just a friend anyway._

_Woojin was about to hold the crying Jihoon, he wanted to hold him, hug him, and tell him that he doesn’t know what he’s doing. But a part of him said that it’s better that way. Jihoon doesn’t need to see how he slowly withers inside. His world doesn’t deserve to crumble with him._

_“I am sorry.” Those are the only words that came out from Woojin’s mouth. Out of a thousand words he wanted to tell his lover, only three managed to survive his wrecked thoughts. And these three hurt Jihoon the most._

_“Is that all? A fucking sorry for cheating on me? For neglecting me?” Though_ _his sight is blurry, Jihoon grabbed Woojin and the latter let him._

_He started throwing light punches and gradually intensified it like a mad boxer, trying to win over his opponent._

_“You’re a fool, we’re both fool_ _s for entering this relationship.” Jihoon collapses on the ground and Woojin stared at him blankly, his mind lost and definitely_ _, his heart_ _is too._

_“Come on, Jihoonie,” Donghan went immediately to tend to Jihoon and helped him get up. He glares at both Woojin and Haerin while fighting his urge to throw one last punch at Woojin._

_Donghan doesn’t know if his friend is a masochist or just a completely dumb person but he let him look back at Woojin. He saw how Jihoon smiled to say the words that he wished were for him._

_“By the way, I hope you know that I genuinely loved you.”_

_Winter had passed as fast as how Woojin and Jihoon’s hearts withered like a delicate rose in a garden. It’s finally their graduation day. Jihoon’s in the car going back to their house, the ceremony went pretty well._

_He got his phone and texted the name Chamsae one last time._

 

> _Goodbye for now. Thank you for the laughs and memories. Also thank you for awakening me from my deep slumber. It was fun._

_Donghan left for Japan after their graduation and he never heard about him again. But he is thankful that he was the friend who watched him carefully like a brother. He wishes everyone around him is like Donghan, warm and comforting. Before it was always Donghan and Woojin but the latter chose to break it._

“Jihoon hyung, please go inside now.” Daehwi tries to push Jihoon but the latter is simply staring at the sliding door of Woojin’s room.

He is afraid that if he sees Woojin on a hospital bed, he’ll break down. He needs to be convincing in front of him because he knows that his strength is also Woojin’s strength.

“Guanlin and I will just stay here outside. Talk to him, entertain him or whatever you like, hyung. Just make him happy, I am begging you.” Daehwi held his hands and stared right into his eyes like a puppy seeking for help.

“I will.” He smiled, a genuine one. Daehwi answered with a continuous nod and he looks so adorable for the goodness of everyone.

 

Jihoon inhaled deeply before slowly opening the door. As expected, Woojin is there, smiling at him. His snaggletooth, his piercings and even his necklace were still there. It’s the same old Woojin, the only difference is the IV on his hands.

“How are you?” The long sleeves of Jihoon’s yellow sweater was pulled into sweaterpaws because Jihoon wants to hide his shaking hands while he smile at Woojin.

“Fine, they just gave me a medicine and heck babe, I’m quite dizzy.” Woojin laughs while holding his head playfully.

Jihoon frowned and immediately went to Woojin’s side, “Hey Mr. Park, stop being stubborn and just lie down.”

“Okay, okay.” And here comes his laugh again that Jihoon wanted to record for him to replay everyday.

Jihoon got a chair and sat next to Woojin’s bed. He reached for Woojin’s hands and slowly played with it. Before, he really liked how Woojin massages his hands whenever he’s tired from writing and he loves it. Now, he thinks it’s the time to return the favor and make his lover genuinely happy.

It was supposed to be Jihoon this time but Woojin snatched away Jihoon’s hands and kissed his knuckles one by one while staring right into his almond eyes. Woojin’s eyes, it’s full of love, longing, and fright. He doesn’t want to let go of the hands that encourage him to live each day.

“Can you lay down beside me so I can hug you, please,” Woojin softly mutters between their eye contact.

Jihoon was honestly taken aback but he followed anyway. The younger slowly adjusted his position to give Jihoon a small space. Of course he wouldn’t tell him that he purposely gave him a small-scale so he can engulf him in an embrace.

“Your hugs always make me warm so I am not worried that it’s winter now.” Woojin quietly giggles and Jihoon smirks at how adorable his boyfriend can get.

The couple just stayed there for minutes with no one talking, just their hearts beating for each other like a wild pump. They are apparently too close so Jihoon notices the slight violet marks on Woojin’s skin and the several bruises from needles.

Jihoon wouldn’t lie, he was not questioning Woojin for always wearing long sleeved shirts. He was not suspicious at all and he is regretting it now. He can see how much he is suffering while Jihoon is unaware and insensitive.

“The doctors said that they can’t treat my leukemia anymore.” Jihoon was about to look up but Woojin pushed him by his chest.

“I don’t want you to look at me while I am saying these to you. Please stay there, Jihoon.” The younger slowly caresses his hair while his other hand is drawing circles on Jihoon’s back.

“Why now, right? When I finally decided to get my treatment so I’ll be with you longer, fate suddenly decided to play with me.”

A faint sniff can be heard in the room. Jihoon doesn’t know if it’s from him or Woojin. He can feel how the guy shakes while hugging him tightly, afraid to show him his worst state. But hell, Jihoon doesn’t care, he wants to wipe those tears away.

“But I still keep on hoping… the doctors’ words. They said that if I would accept the other treatments, my body can possibly respond,” Woojin paused and made the hug even tighter.

“Are you ready to see me bald?” He laughed but he can sense the agony in that small laughter.

Jihoon tried his best to remove the hug and he successfully made it after a series of declining from a stubborn Woojin. He immediately cupped Woojin’s face and wiped the tears on his cheeks and eyes.

“I would be glad to see everything of you. I’ll be happy as long as it's you.” He smiled and Woojin once again forgot his surroundings. His world wants to see everything of him, raw and unfiltered.

He reaches for his world’s cheeks and slowly closed the gap between their lips. They are sharing a kiss while in each other’s warm embrace. Woojin is afraid but as long as his world is beside him, then he’ll be more than grateful. And he is determined to fight whatever cancer is. Fuck cancer, he has Park Jihoon.

 

Jihoon wakes up but it felt different unlike before. His hair that was once silky are all dried out now for not receiving enough care. The bags under his eyes are slowly piling up and his eyes would always look puffy. He carefully washes his face with warm water and stared at his reflection on the mirror. Is he Park Jihoon?

The once bright looking brunette is now all dull and gloomy. He doesn’t have time to pick proper clothes so he ends up wearing the same set all over again. He is a complete mess, to be put frankly.

It’s now the last week of January. Holiday season had passed and he spent it with him, Park Woojin. He got more ill but he always smiles whenever Jihoon opens the door to visit his weak state.

Two months had passed and Woojin would still ask Jihoon the same question with his eyes closed, “Aren’t you tired?” And Jihoon would just smile, hold Woojin’s hands, and will kiss his knuckles one by one.

“I will never get tired,” the brunette will answer.

Woojin will smile, his snaggletooth not visible anymore. It’s a faint yet genuine smile.

He decided to take a leave from school so he can freely take care of Woojin. Of course, the latter got mad, he didn’t talk to Jihoon for two days. But Jihoon persuaded him with a laugh followed by his crystal clear tears.

“You said, I am your pillar. So let me act as one and just shut your mouth, Park Woojin.”

Woojin looked away at that time and adjusted his beanie to hide his bald state. This has been a thing he does whenever he is feeling anxious.

 

Jihoon knocked softly before opening the door and he sees Woojin, but he’s not smiling at him. He is looking outside the window and doesn’t notice Jihoon’s presence entering the room. The latter is thankful though, he’ll be definitely surprised once he sees his lover’s new hairstyle. It has been a tough decision to make but if he wants to be Woojin’s pillar then he must act as one.

“Hey,” Jihoon softly called Woojin and his lover slowly turned his head to welcome him with a smile.

But it faded when he saw Jihoon, a bald Jihoon to be exact. His mouth immediately formed into a frown and his forehead created creases that weren’t there before.

“What the fuck did you do?” He asked and Jihoon can sense the anger or probably disappointment of his partner.

“I am your pillar. I don’t care what you say but let me act one do---“, Woojin cut off Jihoon, he is furious, maybe or guilty since he doesn’t deserve Jihoon’s efforts for him.

“But I didn’t tell you to go all the way. I just need your presence, Jihoon. You don’t need to do extreme things; you are hurting the both of us.” He is ashamed of himself.

“Don’t you trust me? If you truly trust me then accept my decisions. I am genuinely doing all these for you,” His pillar wiped his tears and exhaled exasperatedly, before continuing his words. He needs to let this out to clear Woojin’s worries, “Guilt should not be in your vocabulary, because we, everyone who loves you, are making every moment possible for you.”

And this is the first time Jihoon heard Woojin’s cry. He is the type who cries softly but this time it is loud and full of emotions that he had kept for the past months or probably years. It is the authentic Park Woojin who he is seeing now.

“You are special and you deserve it, my love.” Jihoon softly whispers on Woojin’s ears as he hugs the weeping boy carefully. Woojin is very delicate and heck he wants to give all of him to Woojin, even his life if he can.

“But I do not deserve you.” Woojin retorted while he caresses Jihoon’s arms on his body.

“No one deserves me more than you do.”

 

It’s now February and if Jihoon can just predict time then he would have stopped it so this day won’t come. He stares blankly at the hospital’s hallway, this part isolated from people. Woojin’s parents have already fixed everything, and his lover’s mother cannot stop weeping. All he can do is to hug her but he too is broken to even function properly.

Daehwi called him at three in the morning and he wished that he didn’t listen to his partner’s nagging. He said to go home and get some sleep. Jihoon can remember how Woojin flicked his forehead weakly and Jihoon returned it with a laugh.

“Come on, go home and wash yourself properly. Get some sleep and visit me here tomorrow wearing your favorite pink outfit.” Woojin laughed faintly and Jihoon didn’t know that it’s the last time he would see his snaggletooth that he loves the most.

Jihoon regrets that he just followed him obediently. Woojin must had known what was coming so he pushed him away to lessen his loneliness. But Park Woojin, Jihoon doesn’t want to disappoint him but he can’t live with the fact that he would carry this regret through his life.

 

He can clearly remember how Daehwi cannot create proper sentences to deliver the news. He was wailing loudly at the other line while Jihoon fixes himself while shaking furiously. He didn’t notice how his mother worriedly looked at him outside her office’s veranda, when he left the house hurriedly.

“J-jihoon hyung, h-he left us already.”

He hasn’t mentioned it before but Woojin is his world. And it is mortifying to hear that your world had crumbled before you. Why does life love to play with people and their attachments? Life must be happy that it had taken away his precious world behind his back.

 

“Jihoonie hyung,” Daehwi taps the older’s shoulder as they both stare at Woojin’s memorial.

It seems like yesterday when the cheerful boy was screaming like a mad dolphin as the three of them make fun of one another and Guanlin is just laughing while clapping his hands. It was like yesterday when they ate ramen in front of Woojin because the latter said that he wants to smell it. Everything was just like yesterday, and everything was just a memory that they will keep in their hearts.

Jihoon looked at Daehwi and hugged him tightly, the younger already know his hyung well after being with him for a short time. He can feel the other’s love for Woojin and he was really happy to know that his hyung had found the right person to love. And he pities the both of them it because life played with the two of them when they don’t deserve it at all.

“He’ll be watching you.” The younger repeatedly reminds Jihoon.

“How can my world watch me when he is the reason why I live?” Jihoon asks gingerly between his loud sobs.

“Because you are his sun, hyung, and your world revolves around you.”

 

It was just one season of pure happiness and bliss but in that short time, Jihoon realizes that it is not really time that matters. It is words, because he is at ease that he didn’t fail to tell how much he loves Woojin every single day. Jihoon thinks that it’s the best thing he had done for his life, saying gentle words to Woojin and making him smile so he can see his snaggletooth that he loves the most.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a succer for 2park so if you are also then hmu on [twitter](https://twitter.com/bigseouI)  
> and if u want to send anonymous hate at how badly written this fic is then here's my [CC](https://curiouscat.me/pinkeuline)


	4. Spring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i delayed the update for like more than one week i hate school

**_"The moment I saw your smile_ **

**_the flower bloomed and laughed with you_ **

**_and there I realized, you are beautiful"_ **

 

 

**SPRING**

* * *

 

Winter passed faster than a bullet hitting to a stop. Flowers are blooming everywhere but they fail to bring colors to Jihoon’s monochromatic life. It has been one month of emptiness but he will never accept the sad truth. He can still remember how his small hands fit in Woojin’s big ones. The younger would smile at him while staring right into his eyes — those piercing, yet soft eyes that scream adoration.

Everything was still the same but not for Jihoon. He finally dropped out of the university and decided to take a break from everything. Of course, his mom was fuming mad but she didn’t have a choice. Jihoon’s father agreed and let his son have the time he deserves.

After what happened, Jihoon wouldn’t talk to anyone. He is always spacing out. His hair that he got shaved is slowly growing while the owner of the once silky brunette strands, slowly crumbles. Everyone cannot bear to look at him right now, even Woojin’s mother needed to talk to him. Jihoon just nodded to every word Woojin’s mother had said. But his attention focused on the remarks his lover’s mother left him.

 

“You loved my son, right?” Jihoon stares at her and his tears slowly fell as he tries to stop himself from sobbing.

“Then be happy for him.”

 

He honestly wants to, because that was his promise to him. But things aren’t easy. He can’t just walk outside, smile at people, and act as normal as possible when nothing is even in the right place for him. Every night, the image of _him_ while smiling widely enters his swarm of thoughts. He would eventually cry and hug tightly the journal that Woojin’s mother gave to him. It has been one month and he hasn’t opened it yet.

Jihoon is afraid. There is this feeling that tells him to open it so he can finally move on from everything. But Jihoon doesn’t plan to forget about everything. They were given such a short time to express what they truly feel for each other so he wants to keep replaying every moment in his head. The memories are comparable to an unfinished scarf, abandoned by its maker. Because Woojin left him already to continue with his journey, alone.

There are no more uncommon scenario of Jihoon doing the aegyo that Woojin asked him to do. The younger was just actually joking at that time but Jihoon is too simpleminded when it comes to his boyfriend. He wouldn’t be able to approve dance steps anymore, because _he_ is not here to ask for his opinion anymore. Park Woojin is totally gone and he would never come back to Jihoon’s arms.

“I miss you so much, always, every day,” Jihoon’s loud sobs echoed in the four corners of his room. He stares at the painting beside his closet.

It is _him_ , the painting was finished last month. Jihoon was supposed to give it to Woojin for their special day but Jihoon thinks that he did something wrong for life to hate him. The painting pictures different emotions of Jihoon. The masterpiece simply reflects Jihoon’s feelings for his lover, in the form of lines and colors.

 

Daehwi called Jihoon and asked him to meet up. The younger is always checking him because he had promised to look after Jihoon in behalf of his late hyung. But, he is more concerned with the fact that Jihoon can do something worse. He already attempted to commit suicide.

It happened last week, Jihoon didn’t eat for the whole day so their housemaid decided to check on him. And there they saw an unconscious Jihoon, lying on the floor almost breathless. The doctor later reported that he had overdosed a certain medicine. He confessed to attempting suicide.

Jihoon’s mother cried in front of him for the first time. She kneeled and begged her son to stop hurting himself.

“What’s the point of living when the reason of my existence is already gone?”

At that moment his mother slapped him harder than ever before. Jihoon smirked and tears started falling from his eyes. But his mother’s words hit him like a truck and he was left in the middle of the road, lifeless and out of breath.

 

“Then tell me if that guy would be alright with you killing yourself for him!”

 

Next, it was Daehwi. His young pal wanted to punch him but he just cried in front of him. Daehwi told him the things which he didn’t expect, would come out from the boy’s mouth. They were sharp and eye opening.

 

“You’re killing yourself for him? Do you think he liked his sickness, huh, hyung?! Do you think it was easy for him to survive for all his loved ones?!” His loud cry got even louder as he flopped himself on the cold tiles of Jihoon’s room.

“He tried his best to be with you, do not waste that life that he tried to have.”

 

At that point, Jihoon realized that he had been selfish all this time. And he disappointed Woojin, who’s watching him every single day.

 

 

“What’s up?” Jihoon, in a bucket hat and a pink t-shirt, smiles at Daehwi who almost jumped out of his seat when someone suddenly spoke in front of him.

The younger blinks a few more times before speaking slowly. He is honestly feeling shy after what happened in the hospital a few days ago. He doesn’t know where all those words came from, he just knew that he needs to wake Jihoon up from his nightmare. Daehwi also doesn’t want Woojin to feel lonely wherever he is, he knows that he is already resting well.

“Uhmm…I just want to ask about Woojinie hyung’s journal notebook.” He plays with his fingers and decided to drink his Frappuccino to hide the embarrassment that he is feeling right now.

“Ahh, that? I haven’t opened it yet.” It is now Jihoon’s time to feel shy and look outside the shop’s window so that Daehwi won’t notice how red he is.

“To tell you honestly, I am embarrassed to meet you right now but this is urgent and I think you really need to know this, hyung,” Daehwi bites his lips and Jihoon just stared at him, waiting for an explanation.

“Woojinie hyung told me on that day, when you left the hospital, to remind you to open his journal no matter what. I’ve been telling you this from the very start but you seem to ignore me because you’re always lost in your own world. I am so sorry, hyung.”

Jihoon didn’t expect what Daehwi did. The younger stood up and bowed in front of him at a 90 degree angle.

“Please accept everything which are written on that journal. Woojinie hyung put all of his emotions in that and you’re the only one who is allowed to read it,” still in a respectful position, Daehwi made everything clear.

“I will, don’t worry.”

Jihoon smiled, an authentic smile. And Daehwi thinks that it is the best thing that he did in his life.

 

 

Jihoon entered the key in Woojin’s unit and slowly entered. He smelled a now abandoned home and Woojin’s musky smell is still there. Everything is in place, as if its owner had been taking care of it. He knows how obsess Woojin with cleaning so he must be really putting effort in organizing this entrusted place to him.

The door of Woojin’s room opened, and the figure of Jihoon slowly enters it. The room is still dark and gloomy, very unlikely for Woojin’s soft personality, Jihoon laughs. He misses him already.

Jihoon collapsed his body on the floor and gets his lover’s journal. It is the right time to read it.

 

 

> _I don’t know why I am writing this and why I decided to start making this. But hello to my future self, are you alive? It’s funny, really. I finally decided to visit the doctor, he couldn’t look at me straight in the eyes. The words that I already expected came out from his mouth. Park Woojin, you really have leukemia, you are really dying._

Jihoon chokes on his own tears as he reads the first entry of Woojin’s journal. His lover’s handwriting is really messy but the letters in this look really clean. As if Woojin purposely made it like that for his remaining days.

 

 

> _Today, I ignored Jihoon’s call. I regret it, honestly._
> 
> _Woojin, remember why spring became your favorite season. It was because of Park Jihoon, do not forget it. He was that guy who smiled beautifully while staring at the blooming flowers as if it’s his first time seeing one. Please do not let cancer hinder you from professing your love for that guy. He deserves every good thing in the world._
> 
>  

Flashbacks of memories flood Jihoon’s mind.

Jihoon was a lonely kid. He was homeschooled and was barely getting out for his sensitivity in the outside world, according to his mother. It was his first time entering a normal school that consists of new faces and probably new friends for him, if he is lucky to make one. It was also the time when he met him, Park Woojin.

Jihoon can still remember how he sat in a bench while staring at the flowers in their school garden. It is not a rare sight for him since his mother made a greenhouse for only her favorite flowers. But he really enjoys this and he can feel how the vibrant colors of the floras calm his mind.

A tough looking boy suddenly came up to him and stretched his hand while shaking. He stared at the stranger but the boy just slowly smiled at him, revealing his snaggletooth, which Jihoon thought was cute.

 

_“I am Park Woojin, you must be new here.”_

Like a ball hitting him hard, Jihoon cried even louder as he looks back at their memories together. Woojin is definitely an introvert but he was the one who approached him first. After that moment, they didn’t talk. But the two of them know that they are already connected in an unusual way.

Jihoon flips the pages of the journal and every word he sees is like rocks piling up in his heart. He feels heavier but something is pushing him to continue because he knows that Woojin wouldn’t want to let him read this if it’ll just contain his miseries and suffering through the years.

 

 

> _I finally let go of him. Everything went blurry, it was pitch black. I kissed a girl without thinking. I was not cheating on him, I wanted to clarify every rumor that he is always hearing. But I am a coward. Park Woojin, you are a fucking coward for hurting someone instead of yourself._
> 
> _I started smoking again since the day_ _the doctor had announced my remaining months? Or perhaps days, who knows? But smoking cannot fill my empty heart. He is no longer with me, I pushed him away._

A loud scream filled the empty space of Woojin’s unit. Jihoon decided to go here just to read Woojin’s journal, with the reason that he can feel the presence of his lover. But he regrets it. This is where Woojin suppressed all of his emotions. Alone.

Jihoon breathes heavily while tears continue flowing from his eyes. He is blaming himself for not asking Woojin what is happening. If he actually did, then Woojin wouldn’t fight alone, because he’ll definitely be there by his side.

 

 

> _I went to Jihoon’s university today. I saw him under a huge tree, he must be sketching out of boredom. I wanted to approach him but fright won me_ _over so I walked away and pretended that I didn’t come for him. Woojin, remember this, his life is peaceful now. Now that he is no longer with you. Your cancer is getting terrible, you can’t let him suffer with you._

 

He continued in flipping the pages. He doesn’t even know how he’s able to read the words properly with his glassy eyes.

 

 

> _I think the medicines aren’t enough. My sister cried in front of me, she begged me to try chemotherapy. I can’t believe she’s grown up now. Yerim-ah, big brother is so sorry for you, but I really don’t want to try anything. I a_ _m going to die soon anyway. Remember that, Woojin_

 

Jihoon pictured Yerim’s image in his mind. He smiles vaguely, he is really a sweet girl. She always asks if Woojin is alright every time she needs to visit her brother. Yerim makes Woojin happy and he knows that his partner loves his sister even if their time together is not that long.

 

 

> _Jihoon was there in the party earlier. He is still beautiful and stunning. I dated many girls to forget about him and to probably forget about my cancer too. But I always end up going to our usual spots and will realize that it just can’t and won’t happen. I am dying, Jihoon doesn’t deserve to take care of me. He deserves every good thing in the world, as I said, and I am not one of those._

 

Weak yet emotional, Jihoon loosened the grip on the journal and buried his face on his knees. He bawls his eyes out and remembers every detail of their time together. They are simple, love is the main thing that binds them together. They bicker a lot and may have the most nonsensical banter in this world, but no one can separate them. That was what Jihoon thought.

He decided to read the journal again after calming himself. Jihoon finally reached the last page and there was a drawing of two guys on the entry. Woojin is definitely not creative but the drawing shows effort in it.

It is just an image of two guys under a cherry blossom tree. The tree doesn’t even look like a cherry blossom, Jihoon just interpreted it like that because there was an arrow and a label. He slightly laughed at how witty his lover was.

 

 

> _This is supposed to be my journal, right? But why am I even writing this to you? Answer that, huh, Park Jihoon. Kidding aside, my love, you know spring remains my favorite, right? You keep on bothering me for my reason but I c_ _ouldn't say it was because of you. I know I am an expert when it comes to making you blush but I cannot just simply say that spring was the time when I first_ _saw your pretty smile. That would make me like a lovesick man._
> 
> _I am so sorry for being a nuisance. I am so sorry that you needed to take a break from your university just to take care of my sick state. I am so sorry for being sick. I am so sorry for getting bald so you decided to get bald to_ _o. I am so sorry for waking you up in the middle of the night because I need to throw up due to my medicines. I am so sorry for asking you to clean me up sometimes. I am so sorry for hurting you every day and for hurting you before. I wouldn’t get tired_ _of asking sorry for everything that I had caused you because it will never be enough. All your efforts for me are all saved in my heart (did you get my joke, babe)._
> 
> _I am doing great, I think. I secretly asked Daehwi to get us tickets for Japan. I want to see the cherry blossoms with you. And I know you secretly want to go there, I saw it on your list of future destinations. I know everything about you, babe, don’t try me. My doctors said that my state is getting bad but I don’t believe him. I can feel that I will be able to go with you there. But if not, just in case, babe, please still go there. Besides the expensive tickets, you need to see it for me. It is my birthday gift to you, my precious Jihoonie. You deserve it. You are a brave guy, even braver than I am. I am proud that I have you and I swear, after my treatment, I’ll announce to the world that you are mine._
> 
> _I don’t want to write this but I_ _currently_ _am so I’ll just continue. I can hear your faint sobs at night. I know, I am the reason of those cries. I am deeply sorry for hurting you in this way, my love. I want to wipe your tears, but I am afraid that the time will come, I won’t be able to do that anymore. And it feels even sadder that I’ll be the reason of those future tears. Can you please wipe your own tears for me? Wiping your own tears means, be happy. I want you to be happy even if I’m not there. I’ll always_ _be watching you wherever my final destination is. And please, babe, follow Daehwi’s orders. He is more mature than us, don’t be stubborn._
> 
> _I am trying to make my penmanship as clean as possible so if you’_ _re going to read this, you will be able to understand my chicken scratches. I love you so much, my love, my world, my dear Jihoonie. I can call you different endearments but you’ll forever remain as my one and only Park Jihoon. I fell in love with your genuine smile and I hope that you’ll show it to people_ _─ they deserve to see a good view. If I am no longer there beside you, the moment you’re reading this, just remember that I, Park Woojin, love you so much. I don’t care how many I love you’s I_ _have mentioned in this entry. All I care for is your authentic happiness. Erase your worries and always be grateful for everyone’s existence. And most importantly_ _, your life. Take care of yourself, my love._
> 
> _This has been Park Woojin, the guy who loved you and will love you forever._
> 
>  

 

 

“I am here.” Jihoon smiles at he stares at the cherry blossom tree that radiates the brightest and prettiest shade of pink he had ever seen.

He followed Woojin’s wish. He is here in Japan but he didn’t come here alone. Daehwi and Guanlin came with him but the two of them are still in the hotel, sleeping because of jetlag even though the travel was not that long. It is just them being lazy despite their young age.

So here he is, casually taking pictures of the scenery and imagining Woojin beside him ─ together with him. He can hear Woojin’s constant wow because his boyfriend is the type who easily gets amazed at everything he sees. Woojin is totally a kid at heart.

Jihoon positioned the drawing on Woojin’s journal, in front of the camera. He adjusted the angle so the cherry blossom can still be seen at the background, and then he took a picture.

If Woojin is just there beside him, they’ll be one in that picture. But he’ll rather not think about it for this time. He just wants to cherish this moment. Just him alone, together with Woojin in his heart.

They were the couple who loved each other, deeply. If only time is good to everyone then they are probably enjoying this once in a lifetime experience but this is reality. You can’t always get the satisfying ending because there’ll be greater things that will come along the way. But for Jihoon, he’ll continue his journey with the guide of Woojin, who promised to always watch him through his path.


	5. Four Seasons of Words

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have an announcement in the end notes ;;;;

**_"my own words for my one and only,_ **

**_Jihoonie"_ **

* * *

 

 

 

 

> _**Summer** _
> 
> **[ENTRY I]**
> 
> Hi, it’s me again, Park Woojin. The doctors said that I only have 1 year to live on. And it’s just so wrong. It’s so fucking wrong that I had seen Jihoon. He is already well, but why do I have this urge to approach him? I want to tell him that I am sincerely sorry for everything. But that is really ridiculous. I sound like a fool. I broke him. I don’t deserve to approach someone who has a bright future ahead of him already. He had been doing well in class. I asked his classmate, Jinyoung, because I thought he was his boyfriend. I know, I am like an idiot. I am, though. Really. I am a complete idiot when it comes to him. I do a lot of unexpected things, only for him. Only for my Jihoon. That party, was he really concerned? But Jihoon was really like that and still probably is. He always puts everyone before him. He likes to assure that everyone is doing fine before he take care of himself. I loved him for that. I love how genuine he is. I love how he is the opposite of me. I love all of his being. And I hate that I had hurt him.

 

 

 

 

> _**Autumn** _
> 
> **[ENTRY I]**
> 
> We kissed. His eyes, the way he looked at me. It was so damn beautiful. Why does it have to be time that we’re against to? I want to hold him in my arms. Whisper delicate words that I failed to say before. Whisper how I am so goddamn in love with him that he makes my heart aches. Whisper how I am so sorry of everything because a single one isn’t enough. I love him, Park Jihoon. And I will only love him. Even if I die. Oh yes, I forgot, I will really die. Only few months, Woojin. Please just be strong so you can have more time with him.
> 
> **[ENTRY II]**
> 
> We had a date. It was simple. I brought him homemade food because he said that he never received something from a person he treasures. I knew about his story, it makes me mad that I cannot do anything. I am not even allowed to have an interaction with him without being cautios of his parents. I am selfish for saying this, but why? Why does he let them control his life? Why does he let them be the master of his own body? I want to get him out of that house but I don't have the rights to. I am just his lover...his coward lover. And I cannot do anything but to watch him pretend that being controlled is alright.
> 
> Sorry, Jihoonie. I am useless.

 

 

 

> _**Winter** _
> 
> **[ENTRY I]**
> 
> Fuck...I can feel his breath on my neck. It's tickling me but at the same time, provides me warmth in this cold ass hospital room. Really, Jihoonie, stop making my heartbeat faster. I cannot sleep at night because your face is just too beautiful. I want to stare at it, memorize all of the curves. Your sharp nose, your galaxy eyes and your lips. The lips that I won't get tired of kissing. They say that when you reach heaven, you will forget about everything. I am scared. Scared that I will forget about you. Scared that I won't remember to watch you all day. I am so fucking scared to die because of you. I want to always stay with you
> 
> **[ENTRY II]**
> 
> I can feel it. It is fast approaching. My body is getting weaker and weaker everytime I wake up. I hope you didn't feel how my fingers tremble beneath your touch. Thank you for saying that it is your way of giving me strength, by caressing my fingers. By kissing me while whispering gentle words. I am the one who should do those to you but in the end, I am still useless. I don't deserve you. You're too lovely, too fragile and too gentle. I am afraid to break you again by the time I'll make my last breath. Please don't hate me if I will decide to push you away the moment I'll sense it. I don't mean to but it is the right thing to do. I don't want you to see me struggling while fighting for my life. I want you to only think about the happy memories, and not something that will haunt you forever. Please don't be mad, my Jihoonie, I know you'll understand. Just keep in mind that I love you. I loved you, the moment I laid my eyes on you. You were like the flowers blooming in spring, calming and ethereal.

 

 

 

 

 

> _**Spring** _
> 
>  
> 
> Hello, Mr. Park Woojin! This is your one and only, Park Jihoon, telling you that I am doing fine. I want to say sorry, first. You fought so hard in order to stay with us but look at me, I attempted something that I shouldn't have done. I know it's not right to say it but I saw your image before my world turned into black. Was it a sign? Was it your way of telling me: "dammit Park Jihoon, what are you doing"? And hey, thank you for introducing Daehwi to me. Without him, I think I wouldn't be able to keep moving. The two of you think alike, it's funny and scary. It's like I am talking to you but with a much cuter and softer version of you. Kidding aside, I miss you already. No, I am always missing you, I never failed to.
> 
> Is it cold there? Do you need your pink track suit? The weather here is so great, the flowers are so beautiful. Since it is my free time, I indulge myself into painting again. I feel like the brushes are whispering to me to draw you. Just with flowers lol. Guanlin jokingly said that I should do an exhibit because, you, being my model would be such a hit. I laughed way too hard when he said that, I definitely agree. You're way too powerful that a stranger would spare their minute just to stare at how beautiful you are. You have always been so beautiful.
> 
> As time passes by, my life keeps on doing fine. People around me changed. My mother doesn't control me anymore. It's a little bit awkward but at least I know, something changed. On the other side, my father, he always ask me to play golf with him. He smiles at me with warmth and love in his eyes. It feels comforting and for once, I feel loved in my own home. I am thanking you for this, he said that you were the reason. He said that you approached him and begged him to spend time with me. Why didn't you tell me? You are so brave, my love, I really adore you for that.
> 
> I won't make this long because I know that you have so little patience for long messages and just...anything long with words in it. Will this reach you if I ship it via dove to heaven? I don't know how to bring this to you but I think you're peeking and reading it while I am writing. So, Mr. Park Woojin, I just want to say that I love you. I love you so much, with all my heart and my growing bald hair. I think, I am liking this look and I am solely thanking you for introducing it to me. Goodbye for now, Woojinie, I'll come back with a much longer and more emotional letter. Don't worry, I am taking care of your family. Yerim misses you and so does Choco. That dog keeps on waiting at your front door, it's heartbreaking. I know you're always watching us so I am not worried. I hope you're doing fine now. I'll try my best to bring back the old me so that you'll be proud that you have loved the most amazing person, also known as, yours truly.
> 
>  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, this is ur resident angst lover! I've decided to make a prequel that will show their relationship before their breakup. The time will be set in their high school days. I am not sure if I'll pursue it since some of you may not like the idea so let me know. Tell me if it's alright to make a prequel in my cc or anywhere that will reach me.
> 
> Thank you so much for loving Four Seasons ;;;

**Author's Note:**

> I'm a succer for 2park so if you are also then hmu on [twitter](https://twitter.com/bigseouI)  
> and if u want to send anonymous hate at how badly written this fic is then here's my [CC](https://curiouscat.me/pinkeuline/)


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